Sadly, the harsh reality is that douche bags exist in high numbers, especially right here in Manhattan. They’re out at your favorite bar sporting their striped shirts, just waiting to prey on innocent female victims. So, what’s a girl to do in this unfortunate state of the world? How does one feign off these douches from their pathetic pick-up attempts? Well ladies, look no further, here are a few methods of douche bag dissuasion that I believe will serve you well. If you’re lucky enough to have forgotten what these douches are like, please brush up on (not against) this prime example before reading on.
4. Wide Eyed Optimist- Douches aren’t smart but they do know a clinger when they spot one. They certainly don’t want to meet someone who is going to go psycho-stalker when they choose to not call her the next day.
Douche- “Hey- do you have a keg in your pants? Cuz I’d like to tap that!”
Victim- “Ohmigod, it’s YOU! I saw you from across the bar and I just like, totally knew that like, we were meant to be. You know? It’s like fate. You, me, me, you. TOGETHER. FOREVER.”
3. Talk Over Their Heads- Douches aren’t looking for brains. Scare them away with big words. Here are some of my personal favorites: microcosm, antithesis, plethora:
Douche- “Hey, did you know you’re the most beautiful girl in this bar?”
Victim-”Yea but isn’t this bar really just a microcosm for all things that are antithetical to true beauty anyway? I mean, it’s just filled with a plethora of tragic looking people.”
2. The Straight Talker- End it before it starts. If he asks you out immediately, here are some simple answers to give him that should cut it off:
Douche- “Hey you uhh wanna go out sometime? Or maybe come over? I’ve got a Swanson’s dinner with your name on it.”
Victim- “With who? Oh… YOU? No” or “No, sorry. ” or how about “Sorry, I don’t do douches.”
1. The Eager Beaver-After a few minutes of humoring the douche with conversation, introduce him to your group of friends as your boyfriend. He’s sure to back away slowly and then run as fast as he can.
If this wisdom helps out just one poor victim, then my work is done.
I heard a song this afternoon that was very much worthy of a lyrically retarded encore. It’s called “My Girl Got a Girlfriend” by Ray L. I don’t really think this song requires much explanation, just the title explains the gist of it. But here’s the good stuff:
My girl gotta girlfriend, I just found out but it’s aite!
Long as I can be with her too
My girl gotta girlfriend, it really is not a problem
Cuz I’ma make it do what it do
Cuz having two chicks, it’s better than no chicks
I rather just join in, keep my girlfriend, and the other one too,
My girl gotta girlfriend
It really is not a problem {shawty} cuz I’ma make it do what it do
Now, if this girl had yet to tell Ray L about her girlfriend until he found her sleeping with her- do we really think she’d be so into “making it do what it do” with him? I kinda doubt it. Sorry to crush your dreams, Ray L.
This isn’t the official video but if you wanna hear this gem check it out:
You know these guys. They’re the ones pushing girls out of the way to get to the bar. They’re the ones that don’t hold the elevator door for you. In one simple word, they are: douches. They love to “rock out”on the weekends sporting striped shirts, with red bull in tow and they are proud of it. Most of us are all too familiar with these striped shirt guys. But did you realize there was a book dedicated to them and all other sorts of douches? Yes sir, Look at My Striped Shirt: Confessions of the People you Love to Hate is widely available. Supposedly this has been around for awhile but it was just brought to my attention this weekend. Genius! I love it. Here are some key quotes:
Striped Shirt Guy
Look at my button down striped shirt! F#@#ing look at it! This shirt means one thing! I’m coming home with some @#$ tonight! That’s right! It’s been a long week at the office and it’s time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say “Junior Vice President” on them! They’re glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it! My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too!
I will valet tonight! I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure that he knows that I am superior to him. I will tell him, “Take it easy on the brakes, champ”! When I do not hook up with a girl at the club, I will say that the place is full of skanksand wait in line at another bar, only to strike out again!
I can almost taste those Jager Bombs right now! I f@#$ing love Red Bull! I put it on my God damned cereal! I’m crushing one right now!
When I do not hook up with a girl at that club, I will say that the place is “full of skanks”! We will wait in a long line to go to another bar only to strike out again! I will give up and decide to order a gyro off of a street vendor! I will make fun of him to my friends for being foreign! I will look ridiculous purchasing my gyro because people will be able to tell by my striped shirt and tinted sunglasses that I struck out and am settling for a gyro!I will make one last attempt to hook up by trying to coax two big girls who are also ordering gyros to coming back to my place for “after hours”! When they say no I will make fun of them for being fat! I will leave! The Guy with Amazing Taste in Music Personally, I haven’t listened to the radio in fifteen years. If you have ever heard a band
on the radio, then I can assure you, I am not a fan. I stopped listening to American music about ten years ago.
(hmmm, I think some of my readers fit this description)
We’re Just like Sex and the City! Wait, I just realized something. Oh my God, you guys, we’re just like the girls on Sex and the City!
I am So Naked in This Locker Room
No thanks. Don’t need a towel. Towels are only after either showering or working out.
Not enough douche baggery for you? Check out the striped shirt guy on myspace.
For my final lyrically retarded of all time, I’m going out with a big bang. The absolute most lyrically retarded song in the past few years (or maybe decades) goes to R. Kelly’s infamous hip-hopera- Trapped in the Closet. Some of you may remember this brilliant work of art and if you don’t, please spare yourself and stop reading. The thing is just painful to listen to. Trapped in the Closet is an extended song done in multiple parts which basically entails people cheating on each other until the final twist of a guy who emerges from the proverbial closet. Yup, you guessed it. Sorry to give it away if you were on the edge of your seat. Here is one of the best segments:
He walks in the bathroom
And looks behind the door
She says, Baby, come back to bed
He says, Say no more
He pulls back the shower curtain
While she’s biting her nails
Then he walks back to the room
Right now, I’m sweating like hell
Checks under the bed
Then under the dresser
He looks at the closet
I pull out my Baretta
He walks up to the closet
He comes up to the closet
Now he’s at the closet
Now he’s opening the closet….
then later….
She says but she’s a he,
then he says please you can’t judge me,
she says Ruphus this is crazy,
and I said stop arguing,
I did not stay here to hear yall chew
each other out, so get to the point,
or I swear I’m out, excuse me please,
but I think I can explain what’s going in
here, my name is Chuck, and I’ve been
knowin’ Ruphus for bout a year,
at midnight creeping around with him it’s been a living hell,
sneaking in and out of hotels,
I said brother spare me
the details, then Ruphus said Chuck please,
don’t say nothin’ else, then she screams Ruphus
you son of a bitch,
and he says Cathy go to hell,
I said I thought you name was Mary,
that’s what you said at the party,
man this is getting scary,
I’m gonna shoot somebody……
Are you as excited as I am?
Anyway, here is chapters 1-5 in all its glory so you can truly appreciate it:
And the awesome Jimmy Kimmel/Sarah Silverman spoof:
Since we are almost at the finale of my lyrically retarded series and I had a lot of inspiration this week, I’m giving you two songs. This week’s lyrically retarded goes to both D4L for their song “Tatted Up” and Usher ft. R. Kelly for their song “Same Girl.” I’m not sure if a song about tattoos or a song about two guys realizing they are dating the same girl is worse. You be the judge:
Tatted Up
tat tat tatted up new york tatted up tat tat tatted up california tatted up tat tat tatted up houston she tatted up tat tat tatted up chi town tatted up
V4: oh no its somethin i neva seen be fo’ little roll tatooed on her belly all da way down til it hit da flo shes a princess at least its cursive on her neck but now my own clique gettin tats stacks on deck i done seen alot but i aint seen em all if its somethin new grl give me a call especially if its in yo draws freaky grl let me see yo paws i follow emup if u let me cut butterflies on the side of ya butt freak by nature u like it rough a freak by nature u like it rough!
chorus: dominican tatted up jamaican tatted up puerto rican tatted up mexican tatted up white folk tatted up black folk tatted up atl tatted up evry body tatted up
AND
Same Girl
Yo Ush
What up Kels
Wanna introduce you to this girl, think I really love this girl
Yeah
Man she so fine
Straight up dawg
She stand about 5′4coke cola red bone
Damn
She drives a black Durango license plate say Angel tattoo on her ankle
Plus she’s making pay so she got a crib on Peachtree right on 17th street
And I call her TT
Wait a minute hold on dawg do she got a kid?
Yep
Love Some Waffle House?
Yep
Do she got a beauty mark on her left side of her mouth
Man?
Went to Georgia Tech
Yep
Works for TBS
Yep
Man I can’ believe this chick damn mm
Tell me whats wrong dawg, what the hell you damning about
Im your homie so just say whats on your mind
Man I didn’t now that you were talking about her
So man your telling me you know her
Do I know her like a pastor know his word
Chorus:
We messing with the same girl same girl
How could the love of my life, and my potential wife be the
Same girl same girl
Man I can’t believe that we’ve been messing with the
Same girl same girl
Thought she someone that I can trust
but she’s been doubling up with us
U..K, man we’ve been messing with the same girl
THIS IS NOT THE OFFICIAL VIDEO, BUT JUST SO YOU CAN HEAR THE SONG…
I really loathe Pink and all that she does. This song, “You and Your Hand” kind of epitomizes a bit of that. “Oh my god I’m Pink my life is soooo hard. Men suck!” Memo to Pink: you’re not cute and no one even wants to hit on you anyway. So stop complaining about it.
Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh oh
Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh oh
Check it out
Going out
On the late night
Looking tight
Feeling nice
It’s a cock fight
I can tell
I just know
That it’s going down
Tonight
At the door we don’t wait ’cause we know them
At the bar six shots just beginning
That’s when dickhead put his hands on me
But you see
I’m not here for your entertainment
You don’t really wanna mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it’s over
Before it began
Keep your drink, just gimme the money
It’s just you and your hand tonight
Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh oh
Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh oh
Midnight
I’m drunk
I don’t give a fuck
Wanna dance
By myself
Guess you’re outta luck
Don’t touch
Back up
I’m not the one
by-bye
Listen up, it’s just not happening
You can say what you want to your boyfriends
Just let me have my fun tonight-aight
Oh Nickelback, you make it far too easy. This week’s lyrically retarded goes to their new song “Rockstar” which I heard for the first time this morning. I was worried that I did not have a lyrically retarded for this week until I heard this gem: I’m through with standin’ in line
at clubs I’ll never get in
It’s like the bottom of the ninth
and I’m never gonna win <—beautiful analogy
this life hasn’t turned out
quite the way I want it to be
(Tell me what you want)
I want a brand new house
on an episode of Cribs <– um, wasn’t Nickelback ON Cribs like twice?
And a bathroom I can play baseball in <— why?
And a king size tub big enough
for ten plus me
–(Yea, So what you need)–
I need a credit card that’s got no limit
And a big black jet with a bedroom in it
Gonna join the mile high club
At thirty-seven thousand feet
–(Been there done that)–
I want a new tour bus full of old guitars
My own star on Hollywood Boulevard
Somewhere between Cher and <–Cher, really? You uhhh, wanna rethink that?
James Dean is fine for me
(So how you gonna do it?)
I’m gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I’d even cut my hair and change my name <–isn’t his hair already kind of short?
[CHORUS]
‘Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars and
Live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap <– nice message for the kids
We’ll all stay skinny ’cause we just won’t eat <– nice message for the teenage ladies
we’ll hang out in the coolest bars
in the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger’s
Gonna wind up here
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleached blonde hair
And well…
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar
I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free
–(I’ll have the quesadilla, ha-ha,)–
I’m gonna dress my ass
with the latest fashion
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion
Gonna date a centerfold that loves to
blow my money for me
(So how you gonna do it?)
I’m gonna trade this life
For fortune and fame
I’d even cut my hair
And change my name
‘Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
we’ll all stay skinny ’cause we just won’t eat
And we’ll hang out in the coolest bars
in the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger’s
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blonde hair
And we’ll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary of <–are dictionaries cool these days?
today’s who’s who
They’ll get you anything
with that evil smile
Everybody’s got a
drug dealer on speed dial, well <– another nice message for the kids
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar
I’m gonna sing those songs
That offend the censors
Gonna pop my pills
from a Pez dispenser
Get washed-up singers writing all my songs
Lip –sync– ‘em every night so I don’t get ‘em wrong
Well we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in Hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We’ll all stay skinny ’cause we just won’t eat
And we’ll hang out in the coolest bars
in the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger’s
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blond hair
And we’ll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary of
today’s who’s who
They’ll get you anything
with that evil smile
Everybody’s got a
drug dealer on speed dial,well
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar
I think I hit the major points on this one but really, the sky’s the limit on making fun of Nickelback. Got anything to add?
This week’s lyrically retarded goes to Hinder for “Better than Me.” This song is just lame. I would really appreciate it if all of these Nickelback impersonators could just exit- stage left. Thank you.
favorite part:
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
So, if you were missing someone a lot to the point that you wrote a song about it, do you think that the first thing you’d list would be missing their hair in your face? Hair in your face is pretty annoying, especially if it someone else’s. And tasting innocence is just a sappy, pathetic analogy about nothing. Hinder, stop crying and if you have to cry then at least write a song with meaning.
This week’s lyrically retarded goes to C-Side featuring Jazze Pha for “MySpace Freak.” This song doesn’t need much of an introduction. It’s just dumb. Favorite part, and video:
she’s a freak(a what?) a myspace freak she all in myspace freakfulicious she houndin me surroundin me and always tryin to freak wit me this myspace freak stop easin me i need my space give me 50 feet
oh stalkin freak stop callin me ya causin me to block ya freak don’t send no text no friend request you’ll get denied when i’m online turned u down bout 23 times u ain’t get the point dat means stop tryin dis is what i mean when i say
a myspace freak man dis dude he stole me pic put it up and said do me now dats a.. myspace freak…
This week’s lyrically retarded goes to Lil Mama for her song “My lip gloss” devoted to none other than um… lip gloss. Now, while i love my lip goop as much as the next girl, I would be hard pressed to have the nerve to write a song about it. Here is my favorite part… ohyea, and the video to boot:
What you know bout me? What you, what you know bout me?
What you know bout me? What you, what you know?
I said my lip gloss is cool, my lip gloss be poppin
I’m standing at my locker and all the boys keep stoppin’
What you know bout me? What you, what you know bout me?
What you know bout me? What you, what you know?
I said my lip gloss is cool, my lip gloss is poppin
All the boys keep jockin, they chase me after school
MAC, L’Oreal yup cuz I’m worth it
Love the way I puts it on so perfect
Wipe the corners of my mouth so I work it
When I walk down the hallway they can’t say nothing Oh Oh oh my lips so luscious
They say I spice it up with tha mac mac brushes
L’Oreal got them wat watermelon crushes
Thats probably the reason all these boys got crushes.
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