The 86 Rules of Boozing

Any respectable imbiber can tell you that there are certain unspoken rules of drinking, especially in public. This list of “rules of boozing” from “Modern Drunkard” magazine was published a little while ago, though somehow it slipped through the cracks until today. In any case, I figured I’d share some of my personal favorites with you all. Which are your favorites? Do you disagree with any of them?

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you. (mean but true, we’re all guilty of it ladies)

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you’re doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

28. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it. (yes, sophisticated is usually how I feel when I’m drunk)

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman’s name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

47. Nothing screams ‘nancy boy’ louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter. (I think I just liked the term nancy boy)

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I’m an idiot.”

67. Never ask a bartender “what’s good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

Read the full list here.

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