August 14th, 2007
Sadly, the harsh reality is that douche bags exist in high numbers, especially right here in Manhattan. They’re out at your favorite bar sporting their striped shirts, just waiting to prey on innocent female victims. So, what’s a girl to do in this unfortunate state of the world? How does one feign off these douches from their pathetic pick-up attempts? Well ladies, look no further, here are a few methods of douche bag dissuasion that I believe will serve you well. If you’re lucky enough to have forgotten what these douches are like, please brush up on (not against) this prime example before reading on.
4. Wide Eyed Optimist- Douches aren’t smart but they do know a clinger when they spot one. They certainly don’t want to meet someone who is going to go psycho-stalker when they choose to not call her the next day.
Douche- “Hey- do you have a keg in your pants? Cuz I’d like to tap that!”
Victim- “Ohmigod, it’s YOU! I saw you from across the bar and I just like, totally knew that like, we were meant to be. You know? It’s like fate. You, me, me, you. TOGETHER. FOREVER.”
3. Talk Over Their Heads- Douches aren’t looking for brains. Scare them away with big words. Here are some of my personal favorites: microcosm, antithesis, plethora:
Douche- “Hey, did you know you’re the most beautiful girl in this bar?”
Victim-Â “Yea but isn’t this bar really just a microcosm for all things that are antithetical to true beauty anyway? I mean, it’s just filled with a plethora of tragic looking people.”
2. The Straight Talker- End it before it starts. If he asks you out immediately, here are some simple answers to give him that should cut it off:
Douche- “Hey you uhh wanna go out sometime? Or maybe come over? I’ve got a Swanson’s dinner with your name on it.”
Victim- “With who? Oh… YOU? No” or “No, sorry. ” or how about “Sorry, I don’t do douches.”
1. The Eager Beaver-Â After a few minutes of humoring the douche with conversation, introduce him to your group of friends as your boyfriend. He’s sure to back away slowly and then run as fast as he can.
If this wisdom helps out just one poor victim, then my work is done.
Do you have any additional methods to share?
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Looks like we have another Carrie Bradshaw on our hands :) Very well done! My personal favorite is the Wide Eyed Optimist - reminds me of Wedding Crashers!
I disagree with #’s 4 and 1. If the guy truly is a douche then he’ll welcome either one of those opportunities as a chance of him getting laid.
A combination of #2 and #3 would be sure to ward off douches.
haha I’ll admit that #’s 2 and 3 are the only that I’ve actually used in the wild but I still think 1 and 4 are possibilities.
example of 4: Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers: “I got a stage 5 clinger I gotta get the hell outta here!”
I think #1 is my favorite. Usually I’ll just try to drop something about my girlfriend or only dating girls, but that can have the completely wrong effect sometimes, so proceed with caution.
Strum created these methods to ward off Douchbags, bc she loves them and wants them all for herself. It’s true, she told me.
Since when do you call me Strum?
@ Erika - using Vince Vaughn as a douche is a horrible example. He would never say:
“Hey- do you have a keg in your pants? Cuz I’d like to tap that!”
Rather, he would play the war veteran, purple heart card, or some other manly stereotype that women just eat up. He’s way too intelligent to assume the douche title.
As much as I loved the movie, crashing weddings to get laid is a douchey thing to do. Still a perfect example. My 4 methods are sound.
If Vince Vaughn used a douchey line on me…I would totally go for him…who wouldn’t?
I wouldn’t, I think he’s too sweaty and puffy looking…
Vince Vaughn from Made and Swingers yes.
Tired Mc-wrinkle-eyes Vince Vaughn from anything later, no.
@ Erika - I’ll concede that your 4 methods are sound in the context of your target demographic with this post: douches.
But, none of these methods would work on a guy who was on top of his game, some examples being: Vince Vaughn in Swingers, Jude Law in Alfie, Brad Pitt in Ocean’s Twelve, Bill Bellamy in How To Be A Player, etc.
And before the 10:1 ratio of females to males reading this blog starts to criticize my argument as Hollywood fantasy, know that guys like this are most certainly out there. :)
Girls seem to be really attracted to douchebags though. A good playa could see right through this but might consider another target that may be easier, unless he is one of those players that scores far too easy and is looking for somewhat of a challenge.